My new solution

I have a big problem. Beside the obvious overeating one. I have been reading The Skinny by Dr. Aronne. I bought the powdered protein (in chocolate form) for breakfast shakes. I've cut out a bunch of carbs and only eat them at dinner after my protein. I feel great.

But then I was introduced to Clean Eating. The idea is to only eat products with one or two ingredients. So, you're eating foods in their most basic and natural form. An orange. A pepper. A stick. Kidding on that one. If you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't be eating it. I've found that I can pronounce Disodium Guanylate (in Doritos) quite well and sodium acid pyrophosphate (Wild! Berry Poptarts) just fine, thank you. OK, I'm lying. Not sure, but I think most of those have something to do with salt? But certainly not in it's purest form.

It's a neat concept. There are some great recipes in a magazine I borrowed from T. I'm going to make one for dinner tomorrow. Really, how hard can that be? Basic foods in basic forms. I decide to work with that program, too. So I modify the Skinny plan and try to add only basic ingredients. I'm left with salad, veggies, some fruit (some - like grapes and bananas are high on the glycemic load), chicken, tuna, eggs, milk, yogurt - even that causes some concern. It's only been four days. I'm finding myself a bit bored already. Still not hungry. Down another half pound. Made a yummy veggie soup that was spicy and filling. Not bad, really. I haven't been to the grocery store since I made "the switch." We'll see how that goes.

Then the real trouble starts. I picked up The Skinny Bitch book by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. The intro is funny (sorry, T) and has me laughing. Until they start to attack dairy. And chicken. And yogurt. And fish. And... now...what the hell am I supposed to eat?

They promote vegetarianism. I'm down with that. I haven't had red meat or pork since 1990. Yes, a pseudo vegetarian. I eat chicken. Some fish or shrimp. And dairy. I LOVE my dairy. I love cheese, yogurt, a glass of milk. Oh, these skinny bitches are making it impossible for me to eat. I'm poisoning my body. I'm full of toxins. I'm killing my children. They're going to get cancer. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Do you sense the problem here? I have a solution. I will just not eat. I will drink water. I will certainly lose weight that way and then won't have the nasty problem with toxins and ruining the environment and causing cancer in myself and my family. Unless my local water supply is poisoned, but I can't worry about that right now because water is my only food group. It's so simple. Just water. Why didn't I think of that before?

I'm going to start reading. A lot. To keep from eating. To keep my mind from thinking about food. Or chocolate. Or diet soda...the devil. At least they didn't totally rule out wine. An organic red without sulfites is the only thing I can drink or eat besides water. Oh, and I can have some fake chicken or soy milk. Mmm. Sounds like a...treat. Yeah. Anyone else depressed?