The face looks familiar, but I just can't place it...

You said your name was weightloss? Wait a minute...yeah, I think I do remember you. Doing the skinny thing? Coming off pound by pound? Inch by inch? Yes, I know you. We met about three years ago? Or five? Or eight? Or ten? It's been a while. I remember that. Eating right, exercising, getting motivated. It's all coming back to me now.

Oh, I loved that feeling, when clothes would fit and I didn't have to suck it in. My stomach was where it should be and not six inches out from my waist. I actually felt good, headaches were less. No stomach pain. Clearer skin. Those were good times. Yep. Good times.

Why, exactly, did we stop being friends? You were tired of me bad mouthing you? You didn't like it when I cursed you for not showing up at the scale. I can understand that. But some weeks, you should have been there and you just weren't. I did everything you asked of me and then when the time came, when it was important to me, you just didn't show. That wasn't very nice of you.

Well, I'm sorry. You showed up sometimes when I hadn't been good, or I hadn't been working hard and that just sent me the wrong message. Do you know what it's like to work like that, to do everything right and then nothing? I don't need friends like that.

But I'm glad you're here now. I could sense that you were coming. I felt lighter, somehow. I thought, before I stepped on that scale, this time...this time you'll show up and we can be friends again...I was right. Thanks.

Stick around this time, would you? I like having you around. You're my newest best friend. We'll go everywhere together. We could even go to that brownie place, you know, the one you got kicked out of? They don't talk about you there. You're bad for business.

That's what got me here in the first place, you say? That's not nice. Fine. Be that way. I'm going to go hang out with my friend weight gain instead. At least she's fun. Until she doesn't get the message and she keeps hanging around too long. Like the last time.

O.K., you're right. I'll stick with you. I'll forgive you for the last few years. It's my fault too, I know. I'll be a better friend from now on. Come on, let's go have a salad with fresh tomatoes, purple peppers from the farmer's market and bibb lettuce. You know you want to. Come on!

Something New

Driving back from the grocery store today, I could smell the chocolate donut my daughter had selected for her "treat" and the cinnamon roll my son chose. The smell permeated the car, even with the windows open. I could smell the rich chocolate icing, the chocolate crumb cake of the donut. It was pure evil. But I loved it. Better still, I didn't eat it. Just sniffed. I'm pretty sure there aren't any calories in sniffing, but I could be wrong. Boy, would I be in trouble then.

I managed to get home without eating anything "bad." It really wasn't even that hard, frankly. Which is surprising. It's been almost two weeks now. Shocking. Two weeks with my new style of eating. Can't say I've lost any weight for the last two days. And not like I've been eating badly, with the exception of the latte on Saturday, but I don't think there are a whole bunch of calories in that, right? I even rode my bike downtown yesterday. We are planning a hike today, but my husband is finally working on my daughter's room again, and I don't want to interrupt that. We'll see.

Trying something new tonight for dinner. Fish. I'm not a big fish fan. I eat tuna and sometimes salmon and shrimp, but I'm not adventerous when it comes to seafood. I just don't enjoy it. And honestly, sometimes it makes me gag. When I was little, I had some shrimp and then got violently ill. I don't know if I was coming down with something anyway or if it was the shrimp, but that pretty much set the stage for seafood and me. Wouldn't want to meet seafood in a dark alley. Not going steady with seafood. Acquaintances, really. Never friends. I'm a little wary.

So we're trying tilapia. It's pretty mild. The kids aren't thrilled about it. That's my fault. I just don't cook it. And we rarely eat it when we go out. It's strange and different. I'm making Broiled Tilapia with Thai coconut-curry sauce. I'm hoping the familiar sauce will make it easier to try. I'm also making a jicama and carrot peanut lime salad to go with it. Just getting all international today. Doin the Thai thing.

I'm just waiting to see how long it is after dinner that someone asks for a snack.

Satisfaction

Now that I have gotten rid of the Skinny Bitches book, I'm eating very well. There is no fear that I'm poisoning myself. I live in a world of denial. And it's a very tasty world. I've been eating well. Not a lot, but well. I have not found myself hungry very often, unless it is warranted. Like before dinner or lunch. I don't wake up with a sugar hangover. And I'm enjoying a wide range of fruits and veggies as my "appetizers" before my main meal. Really, a decent system.

Down another pound, I'm reaching my "how long is this going to take?" phase. I'm looking down the road at the other 43 pounds I'd like to lose and I'm thinking that it's going to be a long, bumpy annoying slow ride. Patience is not my strong point. I'm like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka...I want it NOW. But it won't come off now. And that is the hardest thing to deal with.

Went back to the gym yesterday and today. I'm sitting here feeling sore, but good. Did leg work and now I wince when I walk upstairs. It's a good pain, I know. It means that the fat is going to go away. But right now, it would be nice if I could move without the agony. My children look at me funny when I get up from a chair with an "oof" sound. Yes, I'm old. But I'd rather be skinny and old than fat and old. I'm trying.

Lunch today, a bowl of three bean chili I made, a cup of carrots with 2 tbsp of really spicy hummus, one slice of homemade banana bread (Cooking Light recipe) and water. I'm full. Can't even think about eating anything else right now. But I think a soda might be in order later today. Can't ditch the soda habit. I don't drink it every day, but I do like a bit of bubbly once in a while. Simple pleasures.

hiccup

I'm flummoxed. Flabbergasted. Floundered. What the heck? Got on the scale this morning and I GAINED a pound. Yes, gained. That is not right. I know, I had some croissant yesterday. And a bite of a bear claw. But certainly not a pounds worth. Oh no. Now I'm pissed. What the hell is all this scrimping and saving of calories? The waiting to eat starch until after I've eaten all my veggies and protein? I have been so good. And I gain a pound?

That's it. I'm going out to eat. O.K., not the right attitude. Don't throw it all away. But, darn it, I'm ticked. I did end up taking the kids out but I ordered a basic salad with chicken and some cheese. Not the best lunch, but certainly not as bad as it could have been. I could have eaten at Max and Erma's. That was my first choice. Silly children wanted to go to Skyline. So, we went. I wanted to order the bean burrito. Or the Southwestern Chicken wrap. Any of those would have gone well with my grumbling stomach. Literally, I could have eaten a card board box by the time we got to Skyline.

If you've never been to Skyline, you wouldn't know that they give you a little bowl of oyster crackers to munch on while you wait (which isn't long. Most orders take about 5 minutes to get to your table). I was munching mindlessly (really shouldn't have had them anyway) when I noticed some legs sticking out of my bowl. Yes, legs. There was a dead cricket in my bowl. Ew. Double Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. I got the waitress's attention, while trying not to gag. She took it away but didn't say anything. Not even sorry. I should have gone for the free meal. I think she brought us extra cheese. Like I need that. Definitely have to say that crickets in your crackers makes for a great appetite suppressant. Ew.

Stomach is grumbling. I didn't get enough to eat at lunch. Will have to go now and find something appropriate to eat. Bugger it all. I'm still pissed about the pound. Going to the gym tomorrow, that's for sure.

Ew.

Giddy with success

Already one week since I started this "lifestyle" change. Who are we kidding? Diet. Anyway, I've started eating differently. I've lost 6 1/2 pounds. Not too shabby for one week. But there is a lot more to lose. And that's mostly water. So, really I can talk myself out of any amount of congratulations.

It's necessary. If I didn't, I would be drunk with success. I would think, well now, I can fudge on this a little. I can have that chocolate. I can eat those chips. It's necessary for me to keep it down so I'll keep losing. A mind game, I know, but really what else is there?

This morning, after running errands, I stopped at a local shop La Chatelaine. As you can see from the link, it's not a lo-cal place. Hardly. I was good. The kids each got a pastry and I just had one bite from each, a croissant and a bear claw with pistachio paste inside. MMMMMmmmmmmm. Yummy. But it was an interesting experiment. Could I just sit there and not eat more? Would it make me hungry later?

I could sit there, but it was hard. And the pastries were SO inviting. It was a struggle. But I managed. And I did notice, on the way home, that my stomach was growling a bit. It was hungry for more. Feed-forward thinking. That's been my problem all along. I was feeding the next hunger. Now, if I just feed my current hunger, eat the filling veggies and soup, then I'm not hungry for the more fattening foods. I can have a bite and not want more.

Will I go back to La Chatelaine? Yes. But it will be after a very hearty breakfast of egg whites!

Viva la Chatelaine!

Another hour, another minute, another meal

Things are moving fast in the Pudgy Mom household.

Not really, but it sounds good. I am, once again, waiting. Waiting for my family to return. Waiting for people to call. Waiting for meal inspiration. Waiting for the next time I can put something in my mouth. It's a good thing I'm not a smoker, because I'd probably smoke 10 packs a day. I'm bad at waiting.

I'm trying to fill the time between meals with getting things done. You know, follow the list, cross stuff off, add stuff. Two things crossed off, three things added. I'm not making progress.

Lost another half pound today. Better than nothing. But my stomach is gurgling. Could be the small glass of wine I had last night after dinner. Or the one can of soda devil I drank. I had to. I was desperate for something different. There's nothing like watching a little "War of the Worlds" Tom Cruise action and drinking a diet soda. Chemical shit storm all around. This is what I do when no one is home.

I'm starting to question the whole "no starches except with dinner for three months" mantra of this new "diet/lifestyle" book. Really? Nothing? Thought I should have the new Bob's Red Mill Organic High Fiber Hot Cereal mix I bought yesterday for breakfast. Add a little yogurt, some dried cherries, nuts. Mmmmm. But no. I had a breakfast shake instead. I have to save the hot starch stuff for November. I keep thinking "it will be worth the look on my sister-in-laws face...it will be worth the look on my sister-in-laws face..." It better be.

They must be joking

The Skinny Bitches are staring at me. So smug and confident. "Don't eat that you fat pig." "That is a chemical shit storm." "Toughen up." "Sober up." "Drama queen." Boy, are they mean.

There' s a lot of turmoil going on here. I want to eat right. I want to reset my fullness meter. I want to make healthy choices. But then a whole 'nother contingent is yelling at me about the earth and the environment and chemicals and organic. Caving in, I went to the local organic store The Raisin Rack to stock up and just about choked.

They must be kidding. "Think about all the money you spent on junk food, cigarettes and alcohol" they whine. For the record, I do not smoke so at least I'm not in that category of reckless. But they seriously think I can spent $6. 89 on a 6 oz package of quinoa? Or $3. 59 on Earth Balance buttery spread. Agave nectar to replace sugar? $7.99. Cereal, $4.49 - $7.50. Nut butter, $5.69. This is not sustainable for me in the long run, people.

Why is eating "right" so expensive? Add the word organic and you can add $$. There are some great products in this store. But I can't justify spending $3.59 for a 1 1/2 candy bar just because it's organic or free trade. I'm sorry, I just don't have the cash for that. There are kids that need new school clothes. And a driveway that needs repaved before winter. And a car that needs brakes and a new A/C. Hell, I should just get a new car for how much we'll pay for repairs on that thing.

But seriously, how can I be healthy and earth conscious without going bankrupt? What good is that to my family. "Well, we were eating really healthy organic stuff, but then they took the house away." I'm stumped.

My plan to drink only water and eat nothing really didn't last past this morning. I was hungry. I had to eat something. And it wasn't organic or free range or nitrate free. But it was protein and it kept me from snacking until lunch and I'd say that was an accomplishment. Down another pound. Let's keep this party going...

My new solution

I have a big problem. Beside the obvious overeating one. I have been reading The Skinny by Dr. Aronne. I bought the powdered protein (in chocolate form) for breakfast shakes. I've cut out a bunch of carbs and only eat them at dinner after my protein. I feel great.

But then I was introduced to Clean Eating. The idea is to only eat products with one or two ingredients. So, you're eating foods in their most basic and natural form. An orange. A pepper. A stick. Kidding on that one. If you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't be eating it. I've found that I can pronounce Disodium Guanylate (in Doritos) quite well and sodium acid pyrophosphate (Wild! Berry Poptarts) just fine, thank you. OK, I'm lying. Not sure, but I think most of those have something to do with salt? But certainly not in it's purest form.

It's a neat concept. There are some great recipes in a magazine I borrowed from T. I'm going to make one for dinner tomorrow. Really, how hard can that be? Basic foods in basic forms. I decide to work with that program, too. So I modify the Skinny plan and try to add only basic ingredients. I'm left with salad, veggies, some fruit (some - like grapes and bananas are high on the glycemic load), chicken, tuna, eggs, milk, yogurt - even that causes some concern. It's only been four days. I'm finding myself a bit bored already. Still not hungry. Down another half pound. Made a yummy veggie soup that was spicy and filling. Not bad, really. I haven't been to the grocery store since I made "the switch." We'll see how that goes.

Then the real trouble starts. I picked up The Skinny Bitch book by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. The intro is funny (sorry, T) and has me laughing. Until they start to attack dairy. And chicken. And yogurt. And fish. And... now...what the hell am I supposed to eat?

They promote vegetarianism. I'm down with that. I haven't had red meat or pork since 1990. Yes, a pseudo vegetarian. I eat chicken. Some fish or shrimp. And dairy. I LOVE my dairy. I love cheese, yogurt, a glass of milk. Oh, these skinny bitches are making it impossible for me to eat. I'm poisoning my body. I'm full of toxins. I'm killing my children. They're going to get cancer. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Do you sense the problem here? I have a solution. I will just not eat. I will drink water. I will certainly lose weight that way and then won't have the nasty problem with toxins and ruining the environment and causing cancer in myself and my family. Unless my local water supply is poisoned, but I can't worry about that right now because water is my only food group. It's so simple. Just water. Why didn't I think of that before?

I'm going to start reading. A lot. To keep from eating. To keep my mind from thinking about food. Or chocolate. Or diet soda...the devil. At least they didn't totally rule out wine. An organic red without sulfites is the only thing I can drink or eat besides water. Oh, and I can have some fake chicken or soy milk. Mmm. Sounds like a...treat. Yeah. Anyone else depressed?

Day three - supplies are running low

It's day three on the desert island I call Skinny Eating. Supplies are running low. Fattening, scary foods abound. Trying to stick with the high protein, heavy weight, low glycemic foods. May have to start eating the natives...

I'm kidding. It is day three. I've lost four pounds. I'm guessing it's mostly water weight. Yesterday I couldn't get my head off the couch. Summer cold and a migraine. Not sure if they are related or I was coming down from my three year long sugar high. Could be a mixture. I have to say I'm surprisingly not hungry. Thinking I should get a snack, but I'm not hungry yet, so I'll wait.

Went out with the kids to do school shoe shopping. We ate out at McDonald's. I had a grilled chicken Caesar salad with half the packet of dressing, no croutons. Broke down and ordered the diet soda (sorry, T) and it tasted awful. Not sure if that was the soda - didn't seem very fizzy so I'm guessing their CO canister was low - or me. Then, we went to Meijer and bought some more lettuce and a huge packet of eggs and some protein powder for morning shakes. We'll see how that tastes.

Somehow, I managed to gag down four egg whites and one yolk for breakfast this morning. Damn, that's a lot of eggs. It held me over, though, until lunch. And I actually felt hungry then. I didn't just eat because it was lunch time. I was ready to eat.

But, this Skinny book is depressing. It says the same damn stuff that all the other books say. Eat a lot of veggies. Well, I get bored easily because I don't like a whole bunch of veggies. I grew up with green beans, peas and wax beans as my vegetables. Sometimes we had salad. I have branched out to carrots, broccoli, zucchini, squash, tomatoes, celery, peppers and some others I can't remember now. I still am not fond of eggplant or okra or artichokes. Or mushrooms. My friend T tells me I should try portobella mushrooms, grilled. I'm going to have to drink a lot before I try that. Can't get my mind around the fact that they are fungus. I'll try, though. I'm going to have to branch out or I will fail. Again.

So, here's what I'm eating now: breakfast, protein - egg whites or turkey sausage or turkey bacon or protein shake. Lunch - appetizer (salad or veggie soup), veggie side dish, protein. And dinner - appetizer again, veggie side dish, protein and whole grain starch. So far I have "cheated" a bit. Can't go completely cold turkey at first. Breakfast I can commit to. Lunch is a little more fluid. And dinner gets complicated, because I am cooking for the whole family. They certainly don't need to be on a "lifestyle change" like I do. I spend a lot of time trying to think how to incorporate my needs with their needs. It's exhausting.

Off to make some veggie soup and find a healthy, low glycemic snack. If I can reset my fullness guage, this may just work. Talk to me next week. Tomorrow, Clean Eating and other complications.

Judgement Day

Dear GOD, what have I done? Stepped on the scale this morning. Guess I'm going to have to adjust my weight loss goals a bit. 40 pounds to lose? More like 50. I am NOT kidding. Ladies, I have done it. I have hit the unforgivable mark. I have reached a weight that I only previously hit while pregnant. And I don't have that excuse.

Might explain why my shorts, my fat fat shorts, are getting tight. I have gained, roughly, 15 pounds this summer. I don't think I've been out of control eating, but I haven't exactly been eating right all the time. And the chocolate continues to come into my house and get eaten.

First thing I did after getting off the scale was put on workout clothes. Then I did 50 sit ups. Drank a Dannon adult drinkable and went to the Rec Center. Worked off 350 calories (by the elliptical's estimate). Came home, ate some scrambled eggs and started to read "The Skinny on Losing Weight Without Being Hungry" by Dr. Louis J. Aronne.

One night, when I couldn't sleep (another result of my bad eating), I saw David Letterman and one of his staffers was on a scale. He was very overweight and Dr. Aronne was helping him lose weight. On this particular night, he had lost about 50 pounds. I don't remember the exact amount of time he'd been working on it, but everyone seemed impressed and he seemed happy about it. What I remember most was the guy talking about Dr. Aronne made it easier for him with his plan, little steps in adjusting his diet.

My tendency is to cut it all out. No more sweets, no more wine, no more high fructose corn syrup. And then I can't keep it up. I fail. Time and time again. Yo-yo back and forth. The gist of Dr. Aronne's book is that some of us, predisposed to gaining weight, have a broken fullness meter. I can eat and eat and not feel full. My brain isn't getting the right message that I'm full and I need to stop eating. My husband does that. And even when he overeats (cookies, mainly) he will eat less at the next meal. He has been blessed with an excellent metabolism. One I hope my kids inherited. I, however, have not. I can try to lose weight, do well for a while, but I feel deprived. And when I feel deprived, I start to eat.

This is a bad time to start losing weight. Typically I do better in the winter. Not sure why. Filling soups? But also, I'm feeling financially pinched. We're trying to pay off credit card debt. And I have that goal in mind. I'm o.k. with it. But to have two things I'm trying to control at once, eating and money? It's overwhelming.

I'm really starting to like this book. It's not about willpower. It's about fixing my fullness meter and retraining it to feel full again when I'm supposed to, not after overeating.

Gotta go read. Maybe I'll learn that I can have my chocolate and eat it too!

Acai Berry Trap

I'm just trolling websites, checking out recipes for sangria, when I see an ad for a Mom with her gut hanging out saying she lost 30 pounds in some insanely short amount of time. So, of course, I click it.

I know whatever they are selling will not actually do what they say it will. But the company has actual videos from Rachel Ray's TV show, Fox News (like I'd take them seriously) and some health expert I've never heard of. And they throw around Ophrah's good name. I have to check it out.

The miracle berry, Acai - pronounced ahSahee - from the Amazon rainforest is the "cure." High in antioxidents, vitamins and helps you with just about any ailment you might have except for whining children. For that you need an entirely different drug. This woman, Judy, has a "blog" and is offering a free sample of Acai Berry pills and Colon Cleanse because, apparently, you have to use the two together to get the full effect.

I'm skeptical. So I click out of it. But the website won't let me. There's a pop up window. "Skeptical? I was at first, but if you just give it a try...blah, blah." I'm sucked in. I read a bit more, watch some videos, think "hmm, this might work. Why not give it a try?"

I actually fill out the form on the website, and click Rush me my FREE offer. That's when I'm directed to another site. Looks all official, has the Security lock symbols and hacker free symbols. Then I notice the company name, Preciousmind, and address, Cyprus. Ah, no. You'll get all my information, my address, my phone number, my credit card number for a 99 cent shipping fee and then what? Will I find charges on my credit card for plane tickets? Extravagant furs, luxury suites, electronics? I don't think so.

This time, I click out, all the way out, past all the pleading pop ups and back to my sangria recipe.

It's just not that easy. There is no miracle cure. There is no pill, procedure, program that can keep me from stuffing my face. It has to come from inside. Maybe if I keep saying it, it will sink in.

I'm off now. Have some Stacy's Pita chips and pine nut pesto hummus to attend to. That's healthyish, right?

Change is in the air

I feel a change coming on. It's been a long, busy, lonely, crazy summer. I feel out of the loop. Like the world is passing me by and I'm running, running after it but can't quite catch it.

It's time for a change. Change can be good...I think. I'm usually opposed to change. I like routine except when I don't want routine. That's the tricky part. Making routine not feel routine. Get it? Maybe I should say consistency.

First off, I'm changing my blog. Still the Middle of Nowhere, but now, I'm talking about my midriff. See that picture of me with the two chins? That's not me. That has to change. So, I'm going on a reading binge of diet books. Just a sampler, if you will, of what's out there and then writing about it. Seems like I can get fired up about that. More so than my life right now. There are some crazy diets out there. And some decent plans. If I can just find something that works for me and continues to work for me so I can fit back into my pre-fat clothes, I'll be happy.

One incentive is that I'm getting a wii for Christmas and I have already asked my Santa to get me a wii fit board and game. My hope is that I'll be in good enough shape to deal with the wii fit and have something to balance the gym time. I enjoy going to the gym, when I know there are going to be people there to talk to. Otherwise, it's kind of boring.

I'm hoping that my loyal readers (all three of you) will follow me on this silly journey. I've lost weight before. I know I can do. It's just a bitch. I can get cranky and I hope you will deal with me. I'll be in a great mood if I can lose the weight. But then comes the part when I get to my goal and I say "what now?" That's when I'll need you to keep me going and show me that there is something beyond goal weight, some purpose.

Happy slimming.