Addiction

I think I'm an addict. Not drugs or cigarettes or sex, although that would be pretty funny. My husband sure would appreciate that. No, I'm a food addict. I don't think I need pills for that. Do they make any? And I'm not morbidly obese, even though my BMI puts me right up there with the Pillsbury Doughboy. I just think about food all the time. How to make it, when to eat it, what to do with the leftovers, when I can have chocolate, what kinds of chocolate, snack foods, regular foods, fruits, bread...food.

I want to know when this obssession with food began. I don't think my mom was a pusher. She's skinny as a rail. She can eat anything. She also smokes a pack a day, in secret, when she thinks no one can tell even when she comes out of the bathroom reeking of smoke and purfume. She's not Italian or Jewish, so no pushy mother saying "Eat, Eat, you're so thin!" I'm guessing she set a good example for us. But, I'm thinking the vegetables we ate growing up (green beans, wax beans, peas, corn, potatoes, occasionally the salad when I was in my teens) didn't help much in my pursuit for eating well.

But I have always loved chocolate. I think even before I knew I loved chocolate, I had to have it. My mom likes to tell us how she hid chocolate in the house and ate it in private so she wouldn't have to share it with me or my brother. No matter where we were in the house, when we heard the tell tale crinkle of that Hershey bar wrapper, we were right there by her side, begging for a piece. Maybe it was her rationing of that chocolate that made me think, "when I get older, I'm going to have all the chocolate I want. So there!" And I do. Or did. And I even hide it from my kids, too. But I'm smart enough to not eat it when they're around!

Food makes me happy. There's nothing like fresh baked bread from the oven, slathered with a little butter. Just thinking about it makes me want to get my oven cranked up right now! Crusty brown, soft squishy insides...Enough! I wish playing outside made me happy, but mostly I don't like the bugs, or hot weather or when it's too cold. I don't mind gardening, but I would prefer to cook or bake. It's something I enjoy and I'm good at. Which, these days, mean a lot to me.

I am happy to report I am down 15 and a half pounds. I am more comfortable sitting and have noticed that my pants are looser. Very helpful. Still a long way to go, but I feel motivated. I feel like I am making progress. It was a good morning (even with a sick kid at home) and that always helps when the food dreams begin. Time to make some bread - banana bread that has been healthified. Yum!