I am feeling isolated. I don't know if it's the summer or school being out or my slow weaning of medication that I am beginning to think I really need to be on for the rest of my life, but I feel alone. And not in a good way. I feel disconnect from people. I am missing my peeps. Where has everyone gone?
I have struggled with depression in the past. Part of it is my pessimism. I think I was a pessimistic baby. I can hardly remember a time when I didn't doubt the world. And, unfortunately, the world usually rewards me with perfect examples of why I am right to be feel that way. The mom who invites my son for a playdate and doesn't come through. The man who said he would run a bake sale and I end up hounding him so much it would have made more sense to just do it myself. The children who don't do what I ask - fourteen times later. Disappointment all around.
It's so cliche to blame the mom, but really I think I had a great teacher. As I've gotten older, I realize that my mother most likely suffers from depression but has never taken any kind of steps toward dealing with it. Except for the backhanded comments, the brooding, the withdrawal from our family. I see indicators that I recognize in my own life, mirrored in my mom's. She would never talk about it. That just isn't something "we" do in our family. And, heaven forbid, she would see someone about it. A professional. A *whisper* therapist.
My therapist, K, was fired in March by me. I marched in there, feeling all in control of my life. I had good friends, a good routine, good exercise program. Things were looking up and I was ready to move on. What has happened in the last three months that makes me feel like I'm back to square one?
I think I expect a lot from people. And when they disappoint me, I begin to withdraw. I am having more arguments with my pre-teen daughter. She is withdrawing. My son has been more disagreeable than ever. My husband has been crabby. My friends are moving in different directions with their lives, looking inward and busy with their own interests. I am alone.
God, this is depressing. A weekend alone, that's what I needed. The family is gone and I have too much time to myself. Quiet time that can be filled with reading, TV watching, soul searching and paranoid thoughts. I'm thinking it wasn't the best idea.
Oh Stacy, I'm sorry you are feeling this way! I also used to struggle with depression, and keeping busy and having a good routine are also key for me. I'm feeling out of sorts this summer, too. And your kids are not the only ones who are being extra challenging this summer.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, miss our Thursday nights. I think we should take them back by force. Perhaps stage a sit in at The Oasis? Also, we should figure out a time to get together with our kids regularly. You aren't alone!
You're not alone - crap, you couldn't be alone even if you wanted to be - you've got at least 3 or 4 naggy friends within biking distance! Funny 'cause I was just talking with K about feeling like I needed a night out with the girls - I'm feeling a might bit "lonely" as well. Perhaps there's something in the air.
ReplyDeleteGo back and re-hire K. She will be waiting for you. :) And when you get to the point that you're feeling good again, continue to go to her. I've found that when you're feeling good, you have a much better perspective on what triggers your depression (in my case, anxiety) and can learn the skills to cope with it when it comes around again. In my opinion, therapy is most useful when it "feels" like we don't need it...it allows us to be proactive instead of reactive. As for the medication bit, there is no shame in continuing on that course if you are responding well to it. Listen to your body. And most of all, know that you're not alone. Big hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI agree. We need a ladies night out. When are we going?
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