Renewal

I was thinking about Jon and Kate +8. Not sure why. I don't even watch the show. But there is an irony there that I just can't stop thinking about. J & K renewed their wedding vows in a fancy outdoor ceremony in Hawaii this past year, with the TV cameras rolling. Kate was wearing a lovely white number (probably worth 10X was she spent the first time around), the kids were all there, cute and engaged. I don't remember what Jon looked like. I'm just thinking about the People Magazine spread on the family.

And now they are divorcing. What happened? They made the mistake of renewing their vows. Probably the same vows they took ten years ago, before children, before fame, before all of the little, insignificant events that have happened in the last ten years, shaping the people they have become.

Do those vows even still apply? And isn't renewing your vows tantamount to professing your undying love for your soul mate (whom you just met) in People Magazine? Give me one celebrity who has gotten married after knowing the person 2 weeks, three months, etc, who has gushed in a People Magazine article about how much they love the person, how they were made for each other, how they'll never love another who is actually still married. It's not realistic. You can't feel that kind of love for a person forever. It is all consuming. And when it starts to fade, they're gone.

Back to realism. Jon and Kate. Taking their vows. Honor, cherish, death do us part, sickness, health. Where's the vow of celebrity? The vow of picking your damn clothes up off the floor two inches from the hamper and putting them in? The vow of remembering your children's birthday without assistance? The vow to not give your wife something you think she needs (like an iron) but something she wants (like a ring)? The vow to remember that your wife is human and she needs attention, too, after all the kids taking, taking, taking from her all day long? The vow to not eat almost every last bit of chips in the house and then put the bag back on the shelf with barely enough crumbs to feed a mouse?

Their vows weren't realistic for their life. They had become celebrities, with or without the intention, they were now being followed by paparazzi. People craved stories about them. They were put under the microscope of public scrutiny. I don't know if that's what they wanted or not. But there they are. You need vows to address that.

It seems like a good time to secretly renew your own vows. What would you say this time around? What is more realistic and rational? Instead of "in sickness and in health" how about "I promise to not start throwing up myself when you are hurling into the toilet." Or "I vow not to hate you every minute of the day because you can eat whatever you want and not gain an ounce and I just look at a damn plate of cookies and gain 10 pounds." Instead of "to honor and cherish" how about "I vow to do the dishes for you because I know it makes you happy." Or "I vow to actually mean it when I say 'I'll try harder next time' after we've had an arguement." Instead of "until death do us part" let's try "Until we reach that point in our lives when we just really have nothing in common and decide it's for the best that we separate before we kill each other." Or "I vow to try to forget how mean you can get when you are angry and work with you to keep this marriage alive."

And where are the vows about taking turns putting the kids to bed? Or making an effort to take your wife out once in a while instead of falling asleep on the couch? Or learning to cook something other than scrambled eggs, tuna casserole and spaghetti? Those are the vows I'd like to see. Maybe if Jon and Kate had entered into their relationship with a more realistic view of how marriage would be, they might not be getting divorced. Who knows.

lost

I am feeling isolated. I don't know if it's the summer or school being out or my slow weaning of medication that I am beginning to think I really need to be on for the rest of my life, but I feel alone. And not in a good way. I feel disconnect from people. I am missing my peeps. Where has everyone gone?

I have struggled with depression in the past. Part of it is my pessimism. I think I was a pessimistic baby. I can hardly remember a time when I didn't doubt the world. And, unfortunately, the world usually rewards me with perfect examples of why I am right to be feel that way. The mom who invites my son for a playdate and doesn't come through. The man who said he would run a bake sale and I end up hounding him so much it would have made more sense to just do it myself. The children who don't do what I ask - fourteen times later. Disappointment all around.

It's so cliche to blame the mom, but really I think I had a great teacher. As I've gotten older, I realize that my mother most likely suffers from depression but has never taken any kind of steps toward dealing with it. Except for the backhanded comments, the brooding, the withdrawal from our family. I see indicators that I recognize in my own life, mirrored in my mom's. She would never talk about it. That just isn't something "we" do in our family. And, heaven forbid, she would see someone about it. A professional. A *whisper* therapist.

My therapist, K, was fired in March by me. I marched in there, feeling all in control of my life. I had good friends, a good routine, good exercise program. Things were looking up and I was ready to move on. What has happened in the last three months that makes me feel like I'm back to square one?

I think I expect a lot from people. And when they disappoint me, I begin to withdraw. I am having more arguments with my pre-teen daughter. She is withdrawing. My son has been more disagreeable than ever. My husband has been crabby. My friends are moving in different directions with their lives, looking inward and busy with their own interests. I am alone.

God, this is depressing. A weekend alone, that's what I needed. The family is gone and I have too much time to myself. Quiet time that can be filled with reading, TV watching, soul searching and paranoid thoughts. I'm thinking it wasn't the best idea.

Sleepy Morning

I love the first moments as I wake up. That groggy time between sleep and awake where you don't know where you are, who you are, what is going on. I can be anyone. I can be young, important, reasonable, kind, caring, tough. It can be any day of the week, weekend, special day, regular day. Before all the every day stuff comes rushing in.

I was being particularly lazy this morning. My husband was in a great mood. I wonder what kind of crack he is on. Not sure where he gets it, the morning perkies. It takes me a while to get there. That's why I like the first moments before the kid rush in. Or the time that I spend cuddling with them. Yes, they are 11 and 7, and they still like to cuddle with my in the morning. I'll take that for as long as I can. Because it won't be long before they are rushing out of the house and on to their own lives.

So I lay there, pondering the day.

It won't be a difficult day. I know that. There's only one child here. I don't have anything pressing on my list of things to do. We're going to a movie. We might even make donuts. And I get to go to dinner with my ladies tonight. What more could I ask for in a day?

I know some things will put a wrench in the works, but I feel like I can handle it today. I feel like I am on an upward momentum. Things have been going well. Our usual tight June (with all the birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day, etc) is going smoothly. The whole summer is laid out in front of us. And even though it's busy, it seems like it will be a good summer.

Now, I don't know what kind of crack I'm on, but I think I'll stay with it. It's summer crack. It's the crack of warm days, cool nights and time to do what we want. Enjoy.