What the hell?

I have a birthday this Saturday. It is the last birthday I will ever have. Isn't that what I'm supposed to say? I'm knocking on 40's door. Forty has unlocked the door, cracked it open and is pulling the chain off to let me in. I'm going to be *gasp* 39. Thirty nine forever. Not that I really feel that way. Seriously, I'm not concerned about the age thing. My mind is young as ever. Mostly it's just my body going to pieces.

I'm doing everything I can to push that off. The decay. The decrepitude. Is that even a word? This hurts. That hurts. That doesn't run right. I have glasses now. I'm tired. I don't enjoy things that I used to enjoy. I can't even eat candy without thinking about how it will affect me. I won't go into details. You can thank me later. I do workout. I lift weights. I do cardio. I try to stay fit. I don't smoke. I do drink, but not a lot, unless I'm drinking with my friend, Tracy, and then I just get sucked in. I don't engage in dangerous activities, unless you call willingly walking across a Lego strewn floor in the dark dangerous. Painful, yes. Dangerous, not so much.

Forty will not get the best of me. But I have a feeling it will be the best part of my life. My kids are the best age for actually getting things done. They help out. They aren't as demanding. One will actually start driving in the next four years. I feel like I could actually become a real person in these next few years. Not just "mommy."

Mommy has been my persona for the last 11 years. And when I stopped working and stayed home, I was so "mommy" that I became literally invisible to people at my husband's work functions. So, it is exciting to think that maybe, maybe I could have a purpose other then washing clothes, doing dishes, driving kids, shopping (and not the fun kind). I might actually find a job that - wait for it - pays me money! Where I can work on something and actually finish it! Where I might even get a "way to go" or "thanks for your hard work." I know, I'm getting all crazy in the head. What do I need that for? I'm just a "mommy." Mommy's are all about selflessness, sacrifice, giving.

I'm not that mommy. I have been for 11 years. But now, I'm taking back my body, my mind, my life and working on something a bit more exciting than a class homework assignment to build a diorama or finding something that my son will eat that is even remotely healthy. I go out several times a month. I'm still feeling guilty, but that is passing. I have finally realized that without some "me time" - I know, how cliche - I don't have much left for everyone. The well is dry, people.

So, I'm almost 40. Almost. I still have one year left to act like a 30 year old. Not sure what that is, but I'll let you know if I can figure it out before I'm 40. I'll be here, living the dream.