lost

I am feeling isolated. I don't know if it's the summer or school being out or my slow weaning of medication that I am beginning to think I really need to be on for the rest of my life, but I feel alone. And not in a good way. I feel disconnect from people. I am missing my peeps. Where has everyone gone?

I have struggled with depression in the past. Part of it is my pessimism. I think I was a pessimistic baby. I can hardly remember a time when I didn't doubt the world. And, unfortunately, the world usually rewards me with perfect examples of why I am right to be feel that way. The mom who invites my son for a playdate and doesn't come through. The man who said he would run a bake sale and I end up hounding him so much it would have made more sense to just do it myself. The children who don't do what I ask - fourteen times later. Disappointment all around.

It's so cliche to blame the mom, but really I think I had a great teacher. As I've gotten older, I realize that my mother most likely suffers from depression but has never taken any kind of steps toward dealing with it. Except for the backhanded comments, the brooding, the withdrawal from our family. I see indicators that I recognize in my own life, mirrored in my mom's. She would never talk about it. That just isn't something "we" do in our family. And, heaven forbid, she would see someone about it. A professional. A *whisper* therapist.

My therapist, K, was fired in March by me. I marched in there, feeling all in control of my life. I had good friends, a good routine, good exercise program. Things were looking up and I was ready to move on. What has happened in the last three months that makes me feel like I'm back to square one?

I think I expect a lot from people. And when they disappoint me, I begin to withdraw. I am having more arguments with my pre-teen daughter. She is withdrawing. My son has been more disagreeable than ever. My husband has been crabby. My friends are moving in different directions with their lives, looking inward and busy with their own interests. I am alone.

God, this is depressing. A weekend alone, that's what I needed. The family is gone and I have too much time to myself. Quiet time that can be filled with reading, TV watching, soul searching and paranoid thoughts. I'm thinking it wasn't the best idea.

Sleepy Morning

I love the first moments as I wake up. That groggy time between sleep and awake where you don't know where you are, who you are, what is going on. I can be anyone. I can be young, important, reasonable, kind, caring, tough. It can be any day of the week, weekend, special day, regular day. Before all the every day stuff comes rushing in.

I was being particularly lazy this morning. My husband was in a great mood. I wonder what kind of crack he is on. Not sure where he gets it, the morning perkies. It takes me a while to get there. That's why I like the first moments before the kid rush in. Or the time that I spend cuddling with them. Yes, they are 11 and 7, and they still like to cuddle with my in the morning. I'll take that for as long as I can. Because it won't be long before they are rushing out of the house and on to their own lives.

So I lay there, pondering the day.

It won't be a difficult day. I know that. There's only one child here. I don't have anything pressing on my list of things to do. We're going to a movie. We might even make donuts. And I get to go to dinner with my ladies tonight. What more could I ask for in a day?

I know some things will put a wrench in the works, but I feel like I can handle it today. I feel like I am on an upward momentum. Things have been going well. Our usual tight June (with all the birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day, etc) is going smoothly. The whole summer is laid out in front of us. And even though it's busy, it seems like it will be a good summer.

Now, I don't know what kind of crack I'm on, but I think I'll stay with it. It's summer crack. It's the crack of warm days, cool nights and time to do what we want. Enjoy.